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Book review: Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future
by Marguerite Stenquist

Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future by Margaret J. Wheatley Berrett-Koehler, 2002

Margaret Wheatley is internationally valued for her teachings on leadership and communication. She has worked with organizations and communities of all types and on most continents. She calls herself Meg, a simpler version of Margaret. And in her book, filled with common sense communication principles, she delivers a simple message: What’s missing in our interactions today is simple, honest, human conversation, “where we each have a chance to speak, we each feel heard, and we each listen well.”

People love to be together; we are a herding species. And we love to talk. It’s how we process what we think. We invented language when we were in familial settings and were curious about each other. We had things to say. But life moves at such a frantic speed today that we no longer take time to really talk. Meg asks: How willing are you to dedicate time to a slow, meandering conversation? With instant messaging creating a new communication standard, the answer to that question is probably “not very.”

When honest conversation occurs, the conditions for change materialize. Whether the topic is interpersonal, organizational, or international, when people unite to discuss what they care about, they arouse a spirit of hope. Without conversation, conditions are ripe for fear, misinterpretation, and disaster. Listening and talking to one another, according to Meg, “heals our divisions and makes us brave again. We rediscover one another and our great human capacities.”

In her book, Meg emphasizes six principles for people willing to host and participate in a meaningful conversation:

1. Acknowledge one another as equals. In the workplace, this means we let go of our roles and meet each other as interested peers.
2. Try to stay curious about each other. This helps us stay focused on listening for something new rather than competing with or judging the speaker.
3. Recognize that we need each other’s help to become better listeners. The most difficult aspect of conversation is the art of listening, which is a skill worth acquiring or improving to enhance all our relationships.
4. Start by slowing down and taking time to think and reflect before responding.
5. Remember that conversation is the natural way humans think together. Language gives us the means to know each other better.
6. Expect it to be messy at times. Because we are human and not perfect, our conversations are messy. Truth often lies at the other side of chaos, so we have to allow ourselves to ride out the storm.

Hosting a meaningful conversation takes time and planning. Meg says not to expect to get it right the first time. Following the principles, however, will gradually shape productive conversations and create an environment where we can work together to restore hope to the future. But, she cautions prospective conversation hosts, be willing to be disturbed, to “have our beliefs and ideas challenged by what others think.”

When I heard Meg speak at a conference recently, she talked about how important it is to change how we listen. We usually listen for people who think like we think. When we hear something from someone who doesn’t agree with us, we stop listening and start arguing in our head with the speaker, we can’t wait for him or her to shut up. Sometimes we don’t: we just interrupt. Meg says to change our goal: try listening for something different or new, something you may not like to hear. When you focus on searching for this little nugget and find it, you have achieved your goal. The urge to fight diminishes.

To help readers get started in meaningful conversations, Meg poses several conversation starters. Here are a few examples:

• Am I willing to reclaim time to think?
• When have I experienced good listening?
• What is my unique contribution to the whole?

The concept of using thoughtful conversation starters as the foundation for a team meeting or retreat intrigues the trainer in me. So I’m going to try it out. I’m going to begin by interviewing the members of my client’s team to identify six or seven questions that will help them explore how they think and what they believe. What I hope to achieve goes way beyond what the MBTI or work styles profile offers. It is to reacquaint the team with the power of simple conversation among people who share a common goal: to make a difference.

Marguerite Stenquist is president of Support Systems Group, Inc. She teaches classroom and online workshops on supervisory skills and relationship management to businesses and government agencies in the metro-Denver area. For more information about these programs, check www.onthejoblearning.com.

Copyright 1999-2012, National Association of State Judicial Educators
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